I completely forgot our five-year anniversary last week. Well, “forgot” is an understatement. I took an impromptu trip to Vegas with my buddies from college over the weekend of our anniversary and came home with a tattoo on my back of the year I was born on a flag flying over a skull. My wife is really, really mad, and the worst part is that she won’t even talk to me. At least the tattoo proves I was committed to making one permanent mistake.

Arthur! Women can be really unforgiving. Especially when they’re police officers. And you’re shoplifting. But you’ve got to remember that marriage is all about compromise. You can’t beat yourself up over your wife’s unreasonable behavior. If she absolutely refuses to forgive you, nothing you do or say will salvage your relationship. Sometimes the best move is to stop digging and let the silence do its work. If she wants to stay angry, that’s her decision, not your punishment.

At this point, you need to focus on forgiving yourself. I’m sure you feel bad about forgetting your anniversary. And you’re probably really disappointed in yourself for getting that hideous tattoo. But unless you’re planning on dedicating your life to building a time machine so that you can go back to last weekend and stop yourself from going to Vegas, spending another second thinking about this incident is nothing but a waste. Regret is just a hobby for people with too much time on their hands.

Besides, what’s so important about an anniversary? You should be striving to make every day of your relationship unique and significant. By setting one day out of the year aside to celebrate your commitment to each other, you and your wife are implying that the other 278 days are throwaways. If you ask me, you should be the one that’s upset. Your “wife” has turned your marriage into a Hallmark holiday. Move on, Arthur. And next time, skip Vegas and hit up Reno.